Every day Leslie John, a Harvard professor and behavioural scientist, carries out a “disclosure audit” in which she writes down the honest thoughts she said out loud, and the things that went unsaid.
“I wake up and say, for example: ‘Good morning, I love you’ to my husband. But what I don’t say is: ‘I slept badly and when I don’t sleep well, I become wildly irritable – I cry at minor inconveniences, pick fights, and generally lose my grip on reality’. Had I done this he might have known to treat me with kid gloves.” She later realises it’s a “missed intimacy moment”.
For the past decade, John, 45, has been studying “disclosure decisions”: what we reveal about ourselves to our spouses, friends, colleagues, strangers – and the effect it has on our physical and mental health.
Oversharing the more intimate details of our lives may be frowned on – and perhaps not terribly British – but, ultimately, in-person confidences are what can bring us success, friendship and even love, John argues in her new book, Revealing: The Surprising Power of Oversharing.
Oversharing is not whingeing
“Opening up is fundamental to our existence,” says John. “We’re herd animals. We can’t survive without social relationships. And a key way we build relationships is by revealing ourselves, by taking a social risk, because you’re implicitly saying: ‘I trust you to not make a fool out of me. I trust you with this sensitive topic.’ And when you show someone you trust them, they trust you back.”
Being over-talkative or self-obsessed is not, however, the same as being revealing, John explains. No one wants to get trapped with the party bore or listen to a neighbour’s endless complaints about parking. This would be considered: Too Much Information (TMI). But it’s worth seeking out moments to be candid, even if it feels terrifying.
“In my research – spanning hundreds of studies and thousands of participants – people judge self-disclosure to be deepest when someone is willing to reveal their fears, regrets, and other difficult feelings.”
Sharing more freely has health benefits too: it can boost our immune system, reduce depression and increase our overall sense of well-being.
This has been borne out by studies from academic institutions, such as University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and Carnegie Mellon University, which have found that people with stronger social ties have higher levels of antiviral responses and lower levels of inflammation, while chronic loneliness can lead to inflammation and increased susceptibility to diseases.
Researchers who have studied relationship satisfaction in couples also report a connection between marital happiness and a feeling of being “heard” by one’s partner. The more regularly partners opened up to each other, the more they reported feeling understood.
Undersharing is bad for us
In contrast, undersharing deprives us of opportunities to build friendships, gain colleagues’ support, or find a life partner. So many people get stuck in a guessing game, overanalysing tone, making hesitant calculations about how much to reveal. We try to protect ourselves from rejection, often undermining the very intimacy we crave.
“When we say something embarrassing, we can see the feedback on someone’s face and get fixated on that,” laughs John. “What we don’t see are the missed opportunities when we decide not to reveal.”
John is a specialist in disclosure dilemmas, so if you’re wondering: “Do I tell my partner about that old fling?” or “Should I tell my boss I have ADHD?”, she’s your woman.
Before deciding to confess all, she advises we make a list of the (valid) risks to revealing something versus holding back. Yes, sometimes we’ll make mistakes – we’ve all blushed scarlet when we’ve overshared – but often the “disclosure hangover” doesn’t last. And we realise we’ve moved through to a deeper connection.
As a female journalist who has written about everything from my teeth to my drinking habits, I instantly warm to John. She practices what she preaches. In her book, she tells us about everything from wetting herself on stage in a college play to her experiences of internet dating.
Most compelling of all is the revelation that her parents had an open marriage and how the family “secret” may have contributed to the failure of her own first marriage. She wouldn’t have been so naive about romantic love, if her mother had opened up earlier, she laughs today. “I think of my first marriage, and wow, I didn’t know this person.”
It activates the pleasure centres of our brain
Although John is now a card-carrying oversharer, she calls herself “a recovering privacy expert” because she spent the first 10 years of her career lecturing people on the dangers of being too open online. “We all know stories of people who vented about their employer on Facebook, and got fired.”
But over the years, when she looked at the scientific neurological studies, she found that expressing something, preferably to another human being, or even just writing it down in a diary, makes us feel better. “It activates a more logical part of your brain, and so you become the CEO of your thoughts and feelings, which makes them a lot more manageable.”
Sharing more freely has measurable health benefits. “In studies by psychologist James Pennebaker, people who spent just a few minutes writing honestly about painful experiences saw improvements in mood and immune function.
“In another striking study, HIV-positive patients who engaged in this kind of expressive writing showed improvements in their T-cell counts. The effects are not large, but they are remarkably consistent, especially for such a light intervention.”
Why it’s good to reveal more
To stretch our “disclosure muscles”, John recommends we start by trying things out, expanding our range, and being discerning with whom we share. The results are worthwhile. Here are six of the benefits.
1. You forge better friendships
Revealing private details about yourself signals you’re willing to take the risk of trusting the other person with personal, and perhaps even shameful, information about yourself.
Finding that you have common beliefs, feelings, or even quirks goes a long way toward starting to like someone in the early stages of friendship. It’s not the topic that builds connection, it’s vulnerability, John adds. But confiding in our closest friends shouldn’t feel like a chore. “If it does, maybe this person should not be in your inner sanctum. Maybe they’re a ‘medium’ friend, and medium friends are wonderful, but they don’t require the same nurturing.”
2. It can save marriages
While most long-term couples invest in getting to know each other early on, many eventually abandon that active discovery – despite the fact that we’re always changing. Daily routines take over and space for meaningful conversation quietly disappears.
Also, worryingly, we come to believe we know everything about our partner – and stop working to get to know them better. And if they do the same, asking fewer questions, we stop sharing about ourselves as well.
When your partner inevitably fails to meet your (unspoken) needs, it can lead to passive-aggressive behaviour and misinterpretation. “Sometimes, a secure relationship will end, not because someone did something horrible, but because of something quieter. You wake up in 20 years with your spouse and feel like you don’t know them or they don’t know you.”
3. It helps us find a mate
In a study called “What Hiding Reveals”, John’s team gave people an awkward but revealing choice: imagine you’re going to date one of two people, but you can ask each a set of questions. One candidate answers frankly (admitting painful facts, like drug use or cheating on their taxes); the other refuses to answer.
Which would you choose? Time and again, people picked the revealer. Not because we like bad news, but because we prefer openness to conspicuous withholding.
4. It screens out the right people
John compares the role of self-disclosure in friendships to building a fire. The spark that starts the fire can be some point of common interest you’ve noticed. But you still need one more thing for a fire to catch: oxygen. And in the world of friendship, that oxygen is attention and reciprocity.
A lack of reciprocation helps you avoid wasting your time and frees you up to look for a better match. “These things often hurt in the moment, but the big picture is it helps you filter faster.”
5. It calms us
Brain scans have shown that articulating our feelings changes the brain. It reduces activity in the amygdala, the mind’s emotional alarm system, and boosts activity in the brain’s regulation centre linked to reasoning and control, according to a study in Psychological Science. In other words, putting feelings into words literally calms the mind. Expanding your emotional vocabulary adds shades and detail, letting you identify what you’re feeling.
6. It’s easy to start small
Don’t go “full throttle overshare”, says John. “The answer isn’t always to reveal, but to be more thoughtful. And timing is everything – don’t bombard your partner when they’ve just come through the door after work. But try to share a little bit more than you ordinarily would.
“If your counterpart doesn’t take the bait, ask a question. We don’t ask enough questions because we worry we’re prying – but studies have shown that’s in our heads. In research from Harvard Business School people who asked lots of follow-up questions were better liked. Why? Because follow-up questions signal we’re listening, we care, and we want to hear more.
Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing by Leslie John (Torva)